Thursday, February 06, 2003
I have been staying away from the message board I participate in the past two weeks.... I lurk there and occassionally read the messages and I have set it up a few times but for the most part I haven't been there... I just can't find comfort and joy there right now... seems like everyone is pg and expecting and the conversation has turned to those about names, aches, pains, etc and it hurts to read them.... One of the girls posted she is worried as they saw swollen kidneys and something about fluid levels at her us... I almost was HAPPY there was a problem and then felt HORRIBLE for having such thoughts... then another girl posted she is newly pg and I just can't be happy for her... a few others have been discussing names.... I just don't want to be there right now.... I feel horrible that I am supposed to be a board leader and I can barely drag myself over there to set it up when it archives.... My co-leader has been picking up the slack as have a few of the girls that have set up the board when they saw it wasn't done yet... I just wanna crawl into a hole somewhere and hide my life away.. I have been screaming at the boys too much lately, I am not getting any housework done or anything else I really NEED to get done... and I am still spotting and crampy 2+ weeks later.... that just makes the ache in my heart even worse.. it's a constant reminder that Emily isn't anymore... I need a vacation!!!! *sigh* Well guess I should go eat something for lunch... Til next time...